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John McLaughlin
- Rachel Schwartzmann is the founder of the newsletter and podcast “Slow Stories,” based in New York City.
- This piece is an adapted excerpt from her book, “Slowing.”
- “Slowing” delves into the advantages of embracing a slower lifestyle.
The atmosphere shifted as I clicked on the link for my first therapy session. The opening hour served as an introduction, outlining how we could make the most of our time together. My therapist encouraged me to reflect on how I had reached this moment. Stories poured out like water from a burst pipe, and eventually, I confessed that this was my inaugural experience seeking help.
“You’re ready to experience something different,” she said gently.
I adjusted in my chair and diverted my gaze. The trees outside were calm again, basking in the afternoon sunlight. No birds were visible—no cardinals or robins or even pigeons. My eyes wandered higher: above the treetops lay soft clouds; beyond that was sky and stars; further still was everything else imaginable. This felt like the highest point I’d reach for some time, as visions of misty mountaintops filled my mind.
There was nowhere else to go; there was nowhere else I’d prefer to be.
“Yes,” I replied softly, mostly addressing my reflection on screen. “I want to give it a try.”
Understanding My Anxiety: A Personal Reflection
“What does anxiety feel like?” someone close to me once asked curiously. “Is it all in your head?”
I struggled to articulate it as July transitioned into August and then into another season entirely—if I had words at all, they were buried beneath a wave of nausea that engulfed me for days. If they existed, they were hidden within a ‘sick bag’ I prepared just in case calming myself became impossible. But now, clarity has emerged.
I would explain that anxiety turns me into someone untruthful about how I’m feeling inside. When people inquire about my well-being, there’s an urge to reveal that I’m teetering on collapse but instead respond with something simple like “I’m busy; I’m fine.” It’s easier this way because who says I’m obligated to share? Yet when forced laughter leaves sharp pains at the corners of my mouth after a day spent pretending everything’s okay, it’s clear: anxiety feels like betrayal—a disconnect between mind and body that’s hard to trust.
Anxiety resembles an electric current draining both creativity and social energy from within me—a constant state akin to having an overactive sixth sense alerting me about impending crises everywhere around me. It intrudes upon thoughts with chaos so loud that basic needs become threats: You will unravel completely if you don’t manage yourself properly—it whispers ominously while sowing seeds of fear deep inside until nothing remains but dread itself.
This fear becomes fertile ground for more turmoil when I’ve exhausted every ounce left within myself—my stomach churning with bile mixed with remnants of hope lost along the way until only despair thrives there instead.
At its peak intensity level though? Anxiety feels like having one’s spirit yanked out by unseen forces manipulating life’s very essence—all wonder fades away leaving darkness behind where no light can penetrate anymore.
So here I am fumbling through shadows trying desperately not just remember but rediscover alternative ways forward through existence itself!
Reframing Time: A Pathway Through Anxiety Towards Love
I never questioned whether I’d keep pace alongside John—my husband—but sometimes his self-assurance felt overwhelming.
During our early travels together watching him navigate life effortlessly made each trip highlight insecurities lurking beneath surface-level confidence—the anxieties creeping up quietly yet persistently reminding me constantly what wasn’t right within myself!
Back then though youth offered illusions where flaws transformed opportunities rewriting narratives tailored perfectly fit others’ expectations: Go here! Act thusly! Visit these places! Be this person! And whatever happens don’t forget—you must always perform at peak levels!
This relationship dynamic grew increasingly complex fueled equally by societal pressures alongside genuine curiosity exploring new horizons ahead.
Eventually however—I embraced slowing down realizing achieving slowness represented enlightenment accessible enough anyone could grasp easily without needing elaborate explanations attached too tightly onto them either…
But claiming slowness fully revealed nuances previously overlooked before revealing truths often unexpected waiting patiently just below surface level awareness!
Anxiety occupied more than mere peripheral space throughout daily routines—it morfed itself into unique form embodying its own version resembling slowness invoking alternate timelines shifting perceptions regarding movement through life altogether leading ultimately towards redefined measurements concerning love too…
The essence blooms amidst motion yet matures gracefully during moments spent stillness exploring depths uncharted beyond reach apps tracking distances traveled alone…
A love captured fleetingly blurred edges photographs taken shared experiences cherished forevermore building lives intertwined across vast expanses traversed together hand-in-hand navigating complexities inherent journey called living fully alive!
